twicketface

 1. What did you do in 2021 that you'd never done before?

I got my first vaccine dose (Pfizer) last Friday.  While I'm excited that WI seems to be leading the country in vaccines, finding an appointment was a comedy of errors.  Had an appointment 90 miles away because I couldn't find a local one.  But each day, more spots opened up and I was able to get one at my half-mile-away Walgreens.

I wasn't overly nervous about side effects until the tech (nurse? pharmacist? medical professional?) asked if I'd taken the rest of the day off (my appointment was for 9:00).  I said no and he told me he wished everyone planned for the worst and just laid low all day.  Thankfully, my only symptom was an incredibly sore, like Andre the Giant socked me, sore arm.  No fever, no headache, no chills, etc.  I've heard the second dose is more likely for side effects, so will see if Nate can stay with my fully-vaccinated folks the day after just in case.

Last week was our week long, 5 hours of video chat each day company meeting (that usually takes place in sunny Hawaii).  We spent the entire time discussing a new product offering that I have 0.0% interest in.  And with us being a small company, I can't exactly avoid it.  It's not a bad idea but it's also not essential by any stretch so I don't think the time is right for niche software.  And yet, the CEO is super jazzed about it and fully believes the time is right.

I'm burned out at work and realizing that with all that didn't change for me during the pandemic, I'm still exhausted and worn down.  I tried to downplay how hard it's been (and it has, compared to so many), and yet it still has been rough.  I have a few church commitments that will wind down in late summer and think some time away from volunteering will be good for me too.  I've been involved with at least one committee nearly every year over the past 15 so a recharge would be welcome.

I'm relieved by the news that the vaccine seems to be really effective for 12-15 year-olds.  Nate's been schooling from home 100% since our shutdown began last March.  I think he's handled it relatively well but he needs some socialization opportunities.  He's way comfortable being alone, buried in books and Legos and video games, but some balance would be helpful for him, especially at 14.

No haircuts since September and good lord, does it show.  My driver's license renewal appointment is next week and I surely want to have government official documentation of this hairdon't.  

Trying to save up my stimulus money and tax refund for some fun later this year.  Will be visiting my folks in Florida next winter for sure and hope to figure out another road trip/vacation before the end of the year.

I'm so grateful to be dealing with this pandemic with a 13 year old, who can rationalize things extremely well.  I've so many friends with three or four year-olds that seem to be bouncing off the walls.  Nate's routine is to wake up, have breakfast, finish his school work online before lunch and then read/LEGO/video game while I finish my work day.  He can still have violin lessons online and has a karate workout video he can use.  Hopefully the rain we've had the last week plus will move on soon so we can both get outside more often.  We're well stocked with microwave popcorn and root beer.

I've used Instacart (for Costco) and online shopping (for my local grocery store) for the first time and felt like an asshole (not at all for the first time) both times.  I can rationalize that my orders are giving employees work to do and yet feels very privileged and lazy for hiring a short-term servant.  I tip well, give top ratings, thank them directly, etc., but it still feels dirty.  I'm trying to eat out regularly and rotate between local restaurants for take-out.

I'm continuing to read more physical books, which has been nice.  I'm burning energy cleaning neglected pockets of my house.  Consistent sleep has been rare, but that's not exactly new.

The park's tennis courts are still closed (and likely will be for a while since it's still cold here), but I didn't entertain the possibility of the nets not being put up to keep people away.  I'm all for doing whatever to reduce the spread but having a main source of stress relief off the table for the foreseeable future is tough.

My mood seems better this week as things seem to be sinking in better.  I'm not marinating in doom as much, which is good.  Maybe I'm getting better overall since I can recognize a change in mood with some distance from it.

Four things:

1) My dad has been having afib issues and got tested today to see if shocking his heart would help and it seems like that's unnecessary and his heart is fully back in rhythm for the first time in weeks and I'm very, very grateful.

2) The associate minister at my church emailed asking if I'd like to teach a human sexuality class for adults with her.  Nate is taking the teen version now and it's really great and while it might turn me into a real snicker puss, I'm considering it.  Not thrilled about the required in-person training at Kansas (an 11 hour drive away) but will mull it over.

3) Nate had his annual eye exam last week and he may be developing colorblindness.  MY GENES ARE UNSTOPPABLE.  I think I thought that colorblindness was a yes/no scenario and not something that comes on later in life but there are many things I don't know.

4) I got together with a newish friend last night and we both talked about our life stresses with each other and it was really affirming and he gave me some good advice and I gave him some good advice.

Hi there.

It's me!

It's been six months or so since I last updated so just like your favorite Whitesnake song, here I go again on my own.

Life overall seems fine.  I've been stressed out about work and some family stuff I can't get into yet.  I think both will be fine but it gets tiresome carrying stuff around inside without a good place to put it.

I did somewhat turn over a new leaf by being more vocal about my feelings, mostly with regards to Kimberly.  I'm super, super great at keeping shit bottled up and then being mad at the other person without their knowledge and it is all so very silly.  So I'm going to start speaking up even when it's hard.  We had two arguments (one minor and one that blew up in my face unexpectedly) in the past few weeks but I think both lead to some better understanding of our relationship and what is important to each of us.

The bigger argument had her saying some disappointing things (that didn't totally have to do with the argument itself) that has made me less thrilled about being in a relationship with her but I want to let some time pass to see how things shake out.  I'm not an easy person to be in a relationship with due to my circumstances.  I do think I'm overall a catch but lots and lots of things have to line up for it to work with another person, more than I think with other relationships.

I'm more convinced that marriage and living with a partner is not in my best interest and feel good about having that resolved.  I saw my introversion as such a character flaw for so many years and instead see it as self-sufficiency and while certain company enhances my life, the prospect of solitude is almost always more appealing.

I like being partnered.  I like having someone ask me about my day and having a back to rub while we watch bad movies together and send me jokes and compliment me on my cooking and fall asleep in my arms and then apologize for drooling on my chest.  That's all really great but it hits a certain point where it gets to be too much.  Monogamy is the only thing that makes sense to me but cohabitation just seems like a recipe for disaster.

I've gotten into better health habits with regard to working out and worse in regards to my diet.  My sleep schedule has been consistent but not great (asleep by 11, wide awake at 3 until 4:30 and then awake again around 6:30).  I'm reading more books but still spend too much time online and on screen.

I might have gotten to the beginnings of a good place with my relationship with my brother after years of trying and feeling like it was never reciprocated.  So I'm trying to temper my expectations but still am hopeful.

I'd like to plan another road trip this summer but it's probably too soon to be thinking about it.  The first weekend in January will be poker weekend with the guys and the first one in three years, so I'm anxiously awaiting reconnecting with them.  I also seem to have made a new friend from church and am trying not to fuck it up by being over eager.  He's a few years younger and went through a divorce about a year ago and said that I'm his fount of wisdom, which is hilarious.  But we play cribbage every other month or so and visit and it's nice.

We recently celebrated my dad's 70th birthday (and my mom's will be next year) and he was really touched at the surprise party we put together.  I'm so thankful they live close by and need to make an effort to see them more often.

I made a good cheesecake for Thanksgiving (here's the recipe: https://www.bitememore.com/feedme/281/salted-caramel-cheesecake-crunch-recipe ) and I need to cut down a Christmas tree next weekend and always have a love/hate mix towards the holidays since they usher in months of shitty weather.  At least I have a weekly tennis league and a fireplace to sit by.

I'm re-watching Six Feet Under and am falling in love with the character of Ruth Fischer all over again.  So, so great.  Some of the acting isn't as good as I remember but I'm enjoying it just the same.

On Sunday, Kimberly and I embark on a road trip to the Badlands in South Dakota.  There's a Corn Palace (but not a Porn Callus) along the way and I guess some huge Jolly Green Giant statue.  It falls over Kimberly's birthday so she wants to get a souvenir from a local pottery shop on the way home.  There should be a lot of hiking and a lot of cribbage and just generally looking at things.  It's a long drive (12 hours each way) but I think it should be fun. I want to plan a road trip with Nate at some point too but perhaps when he's a little older.

Work frustrations are the same and likely never going to change so trying to focus on all the good things.  I get continually praised for my good suggestions and then have to hear the double speak of why we cannot implement them.

Tonight is the fourth and final ukulele lesson (that's paid for, anyway).  It's been fun but also I'm trash at practicing every day so that has to change if I want to make any progress.

I've been playing tennis almost every week through the league and with Eric and it's been really great.  I re-re-re-re-restarted weight lifting after several months off and I really like it.  I'm walking more and intermittently fasting again to try to drop some weight while still gaining some muscle.

I'm missing the chance to see Jawbox since the Chicago concert is so close to Nate's birthday and debating missing Hot Snakes in Minneapolis (since they cancelled last time and my non-refundable hotel room still smarts) but will host Eef Barzelay again in July and am taking Nate to see Emo Phillips (!) in September so dry those tears, dear reader.

Three podcasts I like:
Threedom
The 40 Year Old Boy
Heavyweight

Three things I am looking forward to:
Eef Barzelay home concert July 16th
Cribbage tournament at a local pizza place this weekend
Planning a vacation when Nate's gone to summer camp

Three things I should be doing but keep putting off:
Finish my passport application
Find a yoga routine and, you know, do it
Rearrange the garage

Three things that have made me happy lately:
Costco muffins
Crazy Ex-Girlfriend
Playing with my pocketknife when on boring conference calls

- - - - -

In the doubles league I'm in, we had a moment of silence last night for a player who is missing and presumed deceased.  He was camping and taking wildlife photos over the weekend and they fear he fell through the ice and drowned.  They found his car and come of his camping equipment.  The bad weather has hampered search efforts. I didn't know him outside of tennis but he was a really nice guy who was welcoming to new players (me) in a group that can be cliquish.  It's awful.

Kimberly's coming over for the whole weekend which I think is a first.  Nate will be with his mom so we're planning a pizza/movie night Friday and going out for lunch and to the UU Cabaret night on Saturday.  Sunday is aforementioned cribbage tournament and checking on my parent's condo before they return from Florida.  I'm trying to let go of the feeling that I'm entertaining and need to have the whole weekend planned.  I'm sure we'll go thrifting or run some errands together too.

I might be thawing to the idea of getting re-married.  Kimberly is great and while we have a lot to talk about if we take that step, it doesn't seem as stomach-churning as it once did.

Work is fine - yesterday was my 7 year anniversary.  It was mostly ignored, which I expected, but still didn't feel great.  Am hoping for a performance review (and to be honest, a raise and bonus) but it looks like I need to be the one to ask for it again.  Which doesn't feel great either.

I'm also trying to forge a better relationship with my brother this year.  He's three year older than me and it feels like all the effort falls to me.  When we're together (typically, we'll get dinner together for each other's birthdays), it's like a bad first date where the other person doesn't ask any questions about you so you need to do all the work of conversation and try not to get annoyed when they don't seem to show much interest.  And if it doesn't happen, I'll feel better knowing I put in the effort.

Dealing with some weird family drama over Xmas that makes me not want to spend the holidays with my family at all.  Basically, at Thanksgiving my folks asked about what time to get together for Christmas Day.  Kimberly said her family was getting together at noon, so later in the day would work better for her to join us.  My mom said something about planning around dinner with everyone bringing appetizers.  Cool.

This week, she sends an email to my brother and me about Christmas - confirming appetizers, talked about a gift exchange and that they wanted to get together at noon.

So... I wrote back and said food and presents sound great but in order for it to work for us, it would need to be later in the day and hoped that would work for everyone.

She responded that the latest they wanted to start was 2:00 so we could plan to get there by 3 to open presents.

Like, what?

For the past 10 years, holidays have revolved completely around my brother's schedule due to drama he has with my niece and nephew's mom.  Her schedule seems to change every year so we all adjust for them.  Now that he's remarried and his wife's (my sister-in-law) parents are divorced, it adds an extra layer of when she's with her immediate and extended family.  And again, our holidays have always been tied to their schedule.  I'm extremely fortunate that Marie is flexible around the holidays (on account of her not being super close to her family and her usually having to work weekends), so she's almost entirely worked around the schedule with no problems.

But the one time I ask if things can be pushed off a few hours it basically gets ignored.  I didn't respond because email didn't seem like the best way to address it.

The night of the email my folks were going to take Nate (and my brother's kids) out for dinner.  Plans fell through for his kids, so they asked if Nate and I could join them.  I was terse after they asked if I was "okay" with the Christmas plans and simply said "I don't know" and changed the subject.

Yesterday, she sends another email about how she feels that she and my dad have been "more than good" to Kimberly and that because we have more people on our side immediate family than she does in hers and that my youngest nephew is "too little" to have to wait all day.

WTF.

Separately, my dad called yesterday morning because we had made plans (the four of us, him, my mom, me and Nate) a few weeks back to go cut down Christmas trees together) and due to the bad weather, we decided to skip it and do our own thing.  He brought up Christmas and I, completely out of character, told him how I felt.  He apologized and said he understood my point of view.  I asked what time they wanted things to end for Christmas and he said probably 7:30 or 8:00.  Which, like, doesn't exactly put pressure on us being there at 3:00 if there'd still be several hours to be together if we came later.

I find it insulting to think that my parents have any say over how and how long Kimberly celebrates with her family.  The implication that she's somehow selfish for not dropping everything to be with us is, well, shitty.  If the goal was truly togetherness for the holidays, they'd be a lot more flexible for everyone.  Right now, it feels like they don't even really want her there.  And at the same time, they're hosting so they get to choose how they want to celebrate.

I know I need to talk to her about it and just tell her how I feel without tiptoeing around her feelings  I've always had a really solid relationship with both of my parents and they are usually completely reasonable (and nice! and loving!) but this one just threw me for a loop.
 

My dad was back in the hospital last week after a dizzy spell and a lack of energy (as in, he woke up at 7:00 and was back in bed sleeping before noon).  His heart rate was elevated (almost double his typical 54bpm) but his blood pressure was fine.  They adjusted his blood thinner medication and he had an EKG which didn't show any concerns.  He now knows to check his blood pressure and pulse every day and if things are out of whack to get medical assistance.  I'm so thankful he's atypical in terms of seeing a doctor when needed and without needing to be coerced.

The tennis doubles league continues to be a lot of fun - it's not competitive at all and the gentle trash-talking (mostly self-deprecating) makes for good times.  It's clear that Eric and I don't play doubles regularly and have struggled with our on-court communication.  A little frustrating but it's getting better.

My job is overall fine - we're taking a new approach to new clients by targeting a different segment.  Unfortunately, it's with our (in my opinion) weakest product.  It needs to be updated and new reports/tools added to the software but I think that will come after we raise demand for it.  My boss and I took a trip to Ohio to visit a few clients and other than her revealing that she hates Hall and Oates, it was a good time.  We get along quite well and often complain about who has the worst governor - her (Mary Fallin in Oklahoma) or me (Scott Walker).

But speaking of which, that sack of shit was given the boot earlier this week and I'm thrilled.  Still way too many Republicans in charge of government here but maybe it's a start to something better.

Things with Kimberly are still going well - I keep thinking about the eventuality of living together (likely after Nate's out of the house and somewhere 1/2 way between our respective houses now) and it seems nice.  I've realized how much I like making someone else happy (like buying her favorite tea to have on hand or sneaking off to turn on the electric blanket before we get ready for bed since she's perpetually cold).  She's pretty easy to make happy which I guess makes us a good match.

Nate had four days of an immersive language camp through school last week.  He said other than the lack of sleep (can you imagine sharing a room with bunk beds with 30 other 12 year olds?  How has that not been a major horror movie franchise?) it was a worthwhile experience.  He's still making up for the lack of sleep - I don't even think the extra daylight savings hour did much so I'm glad we've got a quiet weekend together to recover.

Marie's taking him to a week long UU camp over the summer so I'm thinking about seeing if Kimberly wants to plan a trip somewhere.  I had dreams years ago of going to the Badlands and a road trip together would likely be revealing.  We had fun the last time we were in California together so maybe a bigger trip would be fun too.