twicketface

Dear Dairy Queen,

You don't know me, but I've been a proud consumer of your goods for many years. Heath Bar Blizzards are my favorite treat of yours, but many of your offerings have always been pleasing to the taste.

Until now.

See, a co-worker of mine is celebrating a birthday today and decided to go all 4th grade on us and bring in treats. Usually it's a cake or batch of brownies (or veggies and dip if the person is a butthole), but she opted to delight us all by providing Dilly Bars for the office.

I love Dilly Bars.

While cherry is my favorite flavor, I decided to honor my childhood and select a chocolate one. Pleased with my selection, I also grabbed my lunch from the refrigerator and returned to my office. Given the propensity of ice cream to melt, I thought it wise to consume the Dilly Bar first. I removed it from the wrapper and took a bite of the little brown swirl.

Immediately, I realized something was wrong.

For some reason, the taste in my mouth was not chocolate, but chocolate mint (hereby known as "Brown Death"). I did my best to not cause a scene in the office, but am sure that several employees heard me gurgling on the bile rapidly forming in my mouth and questioning the existence of a loving God.

Chocolate and mint are two flavors that are never good together. Never. Mint is a flavor reserved for cleaning and freshness. Chocolate is a flavor reserved for sweetness and indulgence. No one indulges on toothpaste or cleans their mouth with Hershey's syrup. These two forces are equally powerful on their own, but when combined they form an unholiness so strong that I weep for the children of the world everywhere.

I would take full responsibility for vomiting all over my desk and self had the Dilly Bar been appropriately marked ("Vanilla Reduced Fat Ice Cream Dipped in a flavor that should not be eaten under any circumstances. Ever.") - but this was not the case. The Dilly Bar was in a bag clearly marked as "Chocolate" and not "Assorted Flavors".

I'm not sure what sort of stunt you are trying to pull here, but I'm displeased that the management team of such a well-liked company would try to kill a 26 year old man for fun. Think of the negative publicity and ill-will expressed to you by my legions of followers. Also, who would feed my cats?

To remedy this, please send me a coupon for free unlimited Mister Misty Floats and I'll seriously reconsider taking legal action and/or throwing animal feces at every DQ I pass for the next 40 years.

Yours,