twicketface

We’re all layered from our past and without our past we are truly nothing. But I know of people who have tragic, terrible pasts that are truly wonderful people and vice-versa. So is the past merely an excuse for those who need it? When we desire change in our life, it’s as if we have to consult with the past to see if it is plausible. As if it’s got a hand on our shoulder before we make decisions.

I often wonder how close I am (or was or will be) to being amazing. Thinking back to all of the situations/problems/questions/decisions I’ve had to make in my life, I wonder if I had approached things differently or pondered longer on one particular thing, would it have made a huge difference in my life now? I think about the things I’ve said in the past, the relationships I’ve forged (or ruined or been complacent with), attitudes I’ve had and how it all forms this recipe, this end product for who I am. The mistakes I’ve made, the experiences I’ve exposed myself to, the phone calls I never made, the notes I so carefully folded, the things that terrified me, the dialogues I’ve had with my parents, the everything and the nothing.

I used to be such a proponent of ‘rocking out’ in the car along to the radio station/tape/CD of choice but since my power antenna decided to go on the fritz, I’ve been driving in silence nearly everywhere I go. It feels really good to only have the sounds of the car interrupting my thoughts. I feel somehow more organized and focused. Not to say that a good ol’ fashioned spaz fit to Green Day isn’t in order every now and again, but other than sleeping or reading, how much ‘quiet’ time do we really have? I’ve become so used to having background noise that it feels unnatural *not* to have it. Well, it used to feel unnatural. Now it’s a welcome change from the television blaring, the dishwasher running, the whatever. Pure silence, just a time to hear yourself breathe and be able to hold a thought in your head. I think when Marie and I move into a house, I’d like to have a ‘silent’ room. Something simple, maybe a chair, lamp and bookshelf. Nothing else, no more distractions.

I need to take more walks.