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[twicketface]

Bowling was fun, I got a 136 and a 118, which is pretty good for me. I’m not used to being in a smoky environment, so it was a little bothersome.

Saturday night was poker with the guys, undoubtedly my favorite Marie-less thing to do. We started at 6:00pm and played until roughly 2:30am. As my friend Brian put it right as I was leaving “This is my favorite thing to do”. I think that my group of friends is unique in that we still do have get togethers even though we’re 5 years out of high school and all have our own lives to live. We all heed the call of shuffling cards and the hiss/crack of Dr. Pepper cans opening and respond accordingly. It’s our club, our frame of reference. We fart on each other, we talk about tossing off and sex, we bring up inside jokes and tell the same stories. We yell at each other. We make fun of each other’s favorite bands. We reminisce. You are welcome to join us, but you probably won’t like it.

I was struck with a low-level panic attack yesterday while taking a walk around the neighborhood. I don’t want this phase of my life to end, with friends still living in (mostly) the same state and the connections we share. I fear that within 5 years, we’ll all be under the pressure of job, family, home, etc., and might not make the time for us. I feel so much closer to these guys than I do my own family, and the thought of that going away scares the hell out of me. I don’t make friends easily. When I do, I treat them as well as I can and let them know how much I value them. I make it a priority to stay in touch and not let ‘we just drifted’ ever stand as a reason to not be friends. Hell, I’d rather have a huge fight with someone instead of either one of us going silently.

So is this panic over nothing? Am I trying to fight against things I can’t control? Or am I trying to remind myself of what is important and to re-double my efforts to be the kind of friend I would want? Part of my problem is whenever I’m enjoying myself (whatever it is), I find myself stepping outside of the present and realizing that it’s all fleeting. “Sure, I may be enjoying this movie, but in an hour I’ll be home and I have to go to work tomorrow.” Then I don’t enjoy the rest of the time, because in the back of my mind I’m reminding myself of the non-enjoyable things I have to do when this is over.

Fuck.

I don’t know anything about anything.