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I was awoke this morning by the sound of a madman trying to chainsaw his way into our house. I slowly crept downstairs and realized it was instead the sound of my phone madly vibrating on the kitchen counter. I didn't get to the phone in time to answer, but according to my missed calls log it was '3612' calling. No area code, no full phone number, just '3612'.

I think it was God.
twicketface: (Mad props to alicondc)
As I've realized the error of my ways by lusting after Saddam and hating freedom, I'm on a quest to find the most patriotic shirt I can find. Like an eagle sewing an American flag while driving a monster truck over Osama's head. If you have suggestions, please advise. eBay will be my starting point during lunch.
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Well, it looks like things are over between Marie and me. It completely blindsided me (well, both of us), but we were powerless against it. We were watching that episode of Postcards from Buster on PBS that featured that lesbian couple and everyone within a three block radius of our house turned gay, us included. I never knew the power of television before, but clearly the efforts to block this show didn't do enough to save our relationship. I didn't vote for Bush, but am glad he's doing all he can to prevent anyone else from catching homosexuality.
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Dear Dairy Queen,

You don't know me, but I've been a proud consumer of your goods for many years. Heath Bar Blizzards are my favorite treat of yours, but many of your offerings have always been pleasing to the taste.

Until now.

See, a co-worker of mine is celebrating a birthday today and decided to go all 4th grade on us and bring in treats. Usually it's a cake or batch of brownies (or veggies and dip if the person is a butthole), but she opted to delight us all by providing Dilly Bars for the office.

I love Dilly Bars.

While cherry is my favorite flavor, I decided to honor my childhood and select a chocolate one. Pleased with my selection, I also grabbed my lunch from the refrigerator and returned to my office. Given the propensity of ice cream to melt, I thought it wise to consume the Dilly Bar first. I removed it from the wrapper and took a bite of the little brown swirl.

Immediately, I realized something was wrong.

For some reason, the taste in my mouth was not chocolate, but chocolate mint (hereby known as "Brown Death"). I did my best to not cause a scene in the office, but am sure that several employees heard me gurgling on the bile rapidly forming in my mouth and questioning the existence of a loving God.

Chocolate and mint are two flavors that are never good together. Never. Mint is a flavor reserved for cleaning and freshness. Chocolate is a flavor reserved for sweetness and indulgence. No one indulges on toothpaste or cleans their mouth with Hershey's syrup. These two forces are equally powerful on their own, but when combined they form an unholiness so strong that I weep for the children of the world everywhere.

I would take full responsibility for vomiting all over my desk and self had the Dilly Bar been appropriately marked ("Vanilla Reduced Fat Ice Cream Dipped in a flavor that should not be eaten under any circumstances. Ever.") - but this was not the case. The Dilly Bar was in a bag clearly marked as "Chocolate" and not "Assorted Flavors".

I'm not sure what sort of stunt you are trying to pull here, but I'm displeased that the management team of such a well-liked company would try to kill a 26 year old man for fun. Think of the negative publicity and ill-will expressed to you by my legions of followers. Also, who would feed my cats?

To remedy this, please send me a coupon for free unlimited Mister Misty Floats and I'll seriously reconsider taking legal action and/or throwing animal feces at every DQ I pass for the next 40 years.

[ profile] twicketface


May. 12th, 2004 11:08 am
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Things I've learned from the movies... )
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I'd really be fucked if I didn't have opposable thumbs.

Sitting on the toilet yesterday whilst completeing my business, I did what I usually do - I found something to play with (not attached to my body). Sometimes it's my wallet, other times it's my tube of Carmex, depending on what I have on me. Yesterday it was my newly gifted Swiss Army knife, courtesy of Marie's brother. I had examined it before, but not all of the tools. So, I'm goofing around with the scissors, bottle opener and tweezers. I decide it would be wise to extend all of the tools, into some sort of superweapon. As I extended the knife blade, my opposable thumb got in the way, yielding an inch long cut on the side of my thumb. I applied toilet paper until the bleeding mostly stopped and tried to finish my business and pull up my pants. Have you ever tried to do either without use of a thumb? It's more difficult than I envisioned. I need safer toys to play with.

My announcement went out today and I've been *floored* by all of the nice comments. One manager who I've really only talked to during the hiring process came over and told me he was taking me to lunch, saying that if it wasn't for me, he wouldn't be here. I hope that in my new job I'll be more proactive in telling people that they do a good job instead of just when they leave. Little compliments like that go a long way.

I've spent a good part of my day affixing labels to envelopes and signing my name 89 times. Man, I'm going to miss it here.

Tonight should be rocking. Home for dinner, to my parents to drop off the Christmas tree/decorations, over to Terry's for cribbage and a potential trip to Exclusive Company.

Also, I'll have pictures of the before and after of the Beard posted by week's end. Try to not make a mess in your pants in the meantime.

p.s. - it might be coming back sooner than I first thought...

My Little Needle )
twicketface: (Default)
Foner – Formation Of Non-real Erect Rigidity
Bacne – Big Agonizing Clumps, Needing Excising
Clit – Completely Legitimate Intoxicating Toy
Nipple – Nerve Induced Protrusion Preferring Licking Entertainment
Vagina – Valley Accepting Genital Insertion, Navigation Allowed
Penis – Protruding Engorged Naughty Inseminating Stick
Scrotum – Sac Containing Round Oblong Testicles, Usually Muggy

I think I'm horny.
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A serious dissertation regarding which posterior-related song is superior:
Thong Song (Sisqo) vs. Baby Got Back (Sir. Mix a Lot)

1. Opening of song
TS – Brief ramblings by Sisqo
BGB – Discussion between two women about the size of third woman’s butt
Advantage: BGB

2. Women portrayed in music video
TS – Scantly-clad women, thongs exposed
BGB – Realistic women with “healthy butts”
Advantage: BGB

3. Actions of rapper in video
TS – Backflips, examining of said ‘thongs’
BGB – Rapping into microphone, struggling to keep Anaconda at bay, women dancing on huge, fake butts

4. – Sampling in song
TS – Livin’ La Vide Loca by Ricky Martin
BGB – Me So Horny by 2 Live Crew
Advantage: BGB

5. – Message of song
TS – Good anal hygine
BGB – Healthier body image, but potential over-consumption
Advantage: TS

6. – Staying power of song
TS – 3 months
BGB – Still going strong
Advantage: BGB

7. – Coolness of name
Sisqo – Computer company of the same name is more famous
Sir Mix a Lot – Of a rare crop of rappers to also be royalty
Advantage: Sir Mix a Lot

8. – Sample lyrics
TS – “I like it when the beat goes Duh dun duh
Baby make your booty go Duh dun duh
Baby I know you wanna show Duh dun duh
That thong thong thong thong thong”

BGB – “So ladies? (yeah) Ladies? (yeah)
If you wanna roll in my mercedes, then turn around, stick it out.
Even white boys got to's got back.”
Advantage: BGB

9. – Other hits by same artist
Sisqo – None
Sir Mix a Lot – None
Advantage: Sisqo, for his potential

Weighing the advantages and disadvantages of the two songs, it is clear that “Baby Got Back” is the superior song. While “Thong Song” has certain appeal, the sheer annoyance of lyrical repetition could disqualify the song all together. Dumps like a truck? C’mon.

Congratulations, Sir Mix a Lot and keep up the good work towards portraying “healthy butts” in a positive light and serving as a role model for young people everywhere.


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